I think it would be relatively easy to become a parent, and that is a frightening thought. All around the world, unwanted children are being pushed out of mothers' birth canals only to be given up or ultimately fucked over by inconsiderate parenting. And the world population continues to grow like a quickly escalating fungus. There is a shit load of crap in the world that I feel like I should be actively working toward-trying to make it better. Killing babies and so on. Fighting idiots clutching onto bibles and korans, and things of this sort. But my egocentrism is disturbing and the fact that I can admit that is hopefully a sign indicating I am closer than ever to killing it. Preoccupation with relationships, alcohol, and what item of clothing I should have in my closet are really taking away from my goals.
I keep picturing my future and I am almost certain what I want it to consist of but I am unsure of who I want it to consist of. If I have no interest in pro-creating, I often wonder if there is a point to being faithful to one person. I would never cheat (at least again) on someone I care about but, I would tell them if I were thinking about it. Which I often do. And I think this will be my downfall, the reason people will not trust me or get close to me, even though I think inherently I crave it.
I can't help escape the feeling-the same feeling that I have felt for a long time now. The feeling that good things are happening everywhere else but where I am. It reminds me of one of Douglas Adams many brilliant characters. I think he was in so long and thanks for all the fish. The personal raincloud guy, who didn't know why, but he was absolutely convinced that no matter where he was, rain followed him. He was sure, and he had proof. Everywhere he went, he would tell people that rain follows him, and when they asked him why he thought that, he'd point to the grey pouring skies above him and say, "See?" But the tragedy I think was that the person listening at the time would laugh, take it as a joke and just assume he was exaggerating, as did the last person, and the person before that, and the person before that. All of them unaware of the long string of conversations Mr. Personal Raincloud (lets call him that) has had with a series of different people in very different places, all of which were raining when he was in them. Without the evidence for the validity in Mr. Raincloud's complaints, his story at first arouses humor, but when he sticks to this story, unwavering, this humor quickly turns to annoyance as soon as those he is speaking to associate him with egocentrism. Egocentrism. We have come full circle. But with the right background knowledge, and evidence that he is in fact not bullshitting, I can't help but think that the only response left for someone to have in a conversation with Mr. Raincloud is pity. Or empathy.
If given the choice, I think he would (as would I) stick with humor. Silently believing your right but not knowing for sure is more comforting. People laugh, and a small part of you assumes that maybe you are not right. Maybe you are exaggerating, you tell yourself but never out loud. Pity. Pity on the other hand would make things all too real. It would seal your fate. I think this is why religious people may be happier than us atheists. They dislike the laughing, the humor that arouses from their beliefs but they would take that any day over pity or otherwise. But nonbelievers, we have the evidence, we have moved passed humor, and know egocentrism cannot exist when you are as insignificant as we know human beings are. Any feelings or desires revolving around our personal happiness or future seem ultimately futile when the destination at the end of our journey is our own bodies shutting off and becoming brain food for worms. And still, believe it or not, I prefer this. I embrace this and I do not fear death. Let them all think the rain clouds are following them while they still can.
I'm tired.
Todays Tea: Sencha Green with herbs.
No comments:
Post a Comment