I think it would be relatively easy to become a parent, and that is a frightening thought. All around the world, unwanted children are being pushed out of mothers' birth canals only to be given up or ultimately fucked over by inconsiderate parenting. And the world population continues to grow like a quickly escalating fungus. There is a shit load of crap in the world that I feel like I should be actively working toward-trying to make it better. Killing babies and so on. Fighting idiots clutching onto bibles and korans, and things of this sort. But my egocentrism is disturbing and the fact that I can admit that is hopefully a sign indicating I am closer than ever to killing it. Preoccupation with relationships, alcohol, and what item of clothing I should have in my closet are really taking away from my goals.
I keep picturing my future and I am almost certain what I want it to consist of but I am unsure of who I want it to consist of. If I have no interest in pro-creating, I often wonder if there is a point to being faithful to one person. I would never cheat (at least again) on someone I care about but, I would tell them if I were thinking about it. Which I often do. And I think this will be my downfall, the reason people will not trust me or get close to me, even though I think inherently I crave it.
I can't help escape the feeling-the same feeling that I have felt for a long time now. The feeling that good things are happening everywhere else but where I am. It reminds me of one of Douglas Adams many brilliant characters. I think he was in so long and thanks for all the fish. The personal raincloud guy, who didn't know why, but he was absolutely convinced that no matter where he was, rain followed him. He was sure, and he had proof. Everywhere he went, he would tell people that rain follows him, and when they asked him why he thought that, he'd point to the grey pouring skies above him and say, "See?" But the tragedy I think was that the person listening at the time would laugh, take it as a joke and just assume he was exaggerating, as did the last person, and the person before that, and the person before that. All of them unaware of the long string of conversations Mr. Personal Raincloud (lets call him that) has had with a series of different people in very different places, all of which were raining when he was in them. Without the evidence for the validity in Mr. Raincloud's complaints, his story at first arouses humor, but when he sticks to this story, unwavering, this humor quickly turns to annoyance as soon as those he is speaking to associate him with egocentrism. Egocentrism. We have come full circle. But with the right background knowledge, and evidence that he is in fact not bullshitting, I can't help but think that the only response left for someone to have in a conversation with Mr. Raincloud is pity. Or empathy.
If given the choice, I think he would (as would I) stick with humor. Silently believing your right but not knowing for sure is more comforting. People laugh, and a small part of you assumes that maybe you are not right. Maybe you are exaggerating, you tell yourself but never out loud. Pity. Pity on the other hand would make things all too real. It would seal your fate. I think this is why religious people may be happier than us atheists. They dislike the laughing, the humor that arouses from their beliefs but they would take that any day over pity or otherwise. But nonbelievers, we have the evidence, we have moved passed humor, and know egocentrism cannot exist when you are as insignificant as we know human beings are. Any feelings or desires revolving around our personal happiness or future seem ultimately futile when the destination at the end of our journey is our own bodies shutting off and becoming brain food for worms. And still, believe it or not, I prefer this. I embrace this and I do not fear death. Let them all think the rain clouds are following them while they still can.
Todays Tea: Sencha Green with herbs.
Saturday, 20 August 2011
Thursday, 4 August 2011
So I am in Jordan, and I am ashamed that I have not uploaded a blog so far during the time that I have been here. So I suppose I should start now.
I am staying with my wonderfully hospitable relatives while I am here, and I am loving the change in scenery, heat, and culture thus far. Jordan is a really beautiful place that is the most safe area in the middle east as of right now, along with Lebanon. Syria was on this list as well but the current demonstrations and violence have removed it for the time being at least.
But back to Jordan. Since I have been here, I have seen Petra, I have been to the Dead Sea, Aqaba, and Wadi Rum. I loved each place, particularly Wadi Rum (an oasis in the middle of the desert) mainly because of the party atmosphere, amazing sunsets, and starry, starry skies, which made me well up a little, I'll admit. The shopping in Jordan is very affordable, and people are ALWAYS willing to negotiate the price of an item. The difficulty is that if you dont speak Arabic or have someone who speaks Arabic with you, you WILL get stiffed at EVERY purchase you make. They take advantage of any foreign people and up the price of everything. But when merchants see you speak Arabic, they are way more realistic and flexible with prices. Therefore, I would advise any of those interested in visiting the beautiful country to bring someone who can speak the language, translate, and things along these lines. Speaking of the prices, cigarettes are very cheap. Like I am talking 1.35 JD which I think converts to something like $1.90 CAN (but don't quote me on that). Regardless, they are cheap, and for this reason (and the mere fact that I am on vacation, I started smoking again unfortunately. BUT it is only for the trip. I will consider myself smoke free again once I am back on Canadian soil.
The weather is obviously scorching hot during the daytime, but delightfully cool and perfect at night. I am of course a lover of winter however, so the weather here is not exactly striking my fancy, even though I have gotten a much needed tan since I have been here. All and all, it has been a lovely time spent in the country. Having said that, being here really drove home my life long belief that Religion is a fucking stupid man-made excuse for a way of life, which makes people act in even more fucking stupid ways. First, I want to discuss the Christians who live here (which encompass about 4% of the population). Now this group really couldn't give a shit less about what women wear, ect...But they (as well as the Muslims here) are COMPLETELY obsessed with marriage and having kids. IT IS ALL THEY TALK ABOUT AT GATHERINGS. Which for anyone that knows me, will understand when I say I wanted to blow the back of my head off most times. If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me, "When are you getting married?" or "Are you interested in staying in Jordan to find a husband?" I would have enough money to buy a really nice house here in Amman. I am not exaggerating. I went from answering them using quiet compliance to just blatantly saying, "No" and changing the subject. At one point, a woman came over here to the house I am staying at with her 29 year old son in hopes that I would marry him and take him to Canada with me. I almost spit out my whiskey (which they drink A LOT of here lol). Her son turned out to be really cool (despite being really old fashioned), and told me he was still in love with his ex-girlfriend and wants to get her back. Apparently things "could" not work out because she was Muslim and he was Christian. It sounded like a Romeo and Juliet story as he was describing it to me. I told him just run away together, but I realize now I may have been over-simplifying things slightly.
Speaking of the Muslims here (particularly the men, who are laughable to say the least), I have one thing to say. This is the same thing that i have probably said 347 times since I arrived here: Take A Picture.
Look, I want to make it clear to women and men alike, in Jordan, unless you are wearing a black bedsheet/garbage bag...oops I mean a burka, expect to be gawked at. And by gawked at I mean GAWKED at, like a hawk is watching you. No matter where you go in Jordan, there is always some one staring hardcore at you, or saying something to you, or in extreme cases budging you or pulling at your clothes as you pass by (which thankfully the latter extreme cases have not happened to me). But for these reasons, everyday before I leave the house, I have to ask my cousin if what I am wearing is okay. In in most cases it is, but I just get a few stares here and there. However, in certain parts of Amman that we go to (such as the downtown area), I was told that it was imperative for my safety to wear jeans and a t-shirt or a tank top with a light jacket to go on top of it. THIS IS IN 40 DEGREE WEATHER!!! And this is what really fucking ticked me off about it all! The Muslim men are out wearing whatever the hell they want, and I have to cover up lest my ankles and shoulders drive them into crazy lust. Like it is a fucking joke! And its not the only thing, just looking at some of these Muslim women made me hot. There are four types of Muslim women here that I have encountered during my time here:
1) The one that will wear the black burka covering her entire body except her eyes.
2) The one that will wear I am assuming to be normal clothes but with a cotton/fabric trench coat over top of her clothes which covers her all the way down to her heels. As well as the hijab.
3) The one that will wear jeans, and a long sleeve top that covers her to her wrists, as well as a hijab.
4) The one that will wear jeans and a long sleeve top but without a hijab (this last category is VERY rare. I may have seen a total of 12 women wear this,and I have been here for 3 weeks so far.)
This wouldn't bother me so much if I didn't encounter a million stares a day from women and men both looking at me like a prostitute because I am wearing skirts, t-shirts or tank tops. Or even more aggravating were those who muttered to themselves regarding my clothes, or said in Arabic "Where is your hijab?" as I walked by. And to this, I was told by my cousins to not say anything. Just ignore it or say "God willing" in Arabic to every comment made. Just grin and bear it so to speak. Well fuck your non-existent God, and fuck you.
It can all be very frustrating. not to mention being woken up every morning at 4AM because of the insensitive group of Muslims who decided it would be appropriate to blast morning prayer from every mosque, just in case some Muslim forgets or sleeps in. And to pile on the in-sensitivities even more, right now it is during Ramadan so it is "forbidden" to eat, drink, or smoke in the streets, restaurants, or stores during the day (when the sun is out). If you do, a police officer can freely approach you and demand to see your license (which states which Religion you belong to-there are only two choices-the perverted and delusional mess that is Christianity or the laughable and stupid Islam). If the officer sees that you are christian, they usually just apologize and dismiss you, but if they see that you are Muslim, they have the right to take you straight to jail, and keep you as long as they wish.
All in all, I will really hate to leave my cousins and relatives in one weeks time (especially my beautiful, strong, and good-hearted cousin Areen), but I will be relieved to be back in Canada, where I plan to dress provocatively, go to a strip club, get piss drunk until 2AM, and then have a big greasy meal at Dennys. Mmmmmm.
Anyway, I am off to bed. I am trying to race to bed before those goddamn annoying mosque anthems start.
Night.Today's Tea: Orange Pekoe ...because it is the only tea people drink here :(