Another Earth

Watching Another Earth was like watching something bigger than myself. I was surprised by how encapsulated by the idea I was. This blog entry may have spoilers so those who have not yet seen it but wish to should stray away.


The film centers around this young girl (Rhoda Williams), who we see at the start of the film make a drunken mistake that she would carry around with her for years to come. She drives inebriated, and gets distracted by a radio broadcast revealing (for the first time) our discovery of a mysterious planet that randomly appeared in Earths' orbit. This planet resembles Earth a great deal, and would later be referred to as Earth 2. She crashes head on to a stopped car, killing instantly a pregnant wife, a son, and injuring an accomplished composer, College Professor and father (John Burroughs). Rhoda serves 4 years in jail due to being a minor at the time of the accident. When released, she tracks down where John lives intending to apologize, but she loses her cool last minute, and convinces him she works for a cleaning company that is offering a free trial in hopes that in doing so, she can begin to make amends. John, whose home looked as if a tornado had just rummaged through it, accepts the free trial. At the end of the day, he asks her to come back next week to finish cleaning his entire house for pay.


At the same time, Rhoda enters into a contest to win a trip to Earth 2. Other than the information about Rhoda getting a scholarship to MIT which is revealed at the beginning of the film, not much else about her character is disclosed. But fom the visual cues available, she seemed to obviously be an Astronomy/Physics/Sci-Fi enthusiast. Her academic and personal priorities change after getting out of the big house, and she begins making money by cleaning at a high school in her area. She is fascinated by the existence of another earth, and feels like the only way to escape what shes done is by leaving everything behind.


However, after spending time with John, she gets to know him, and feels strongly that she may be making his life a little better. The viewer witnesses John's demeanor and life slowly change for the better, paralleled by the increasing cleanliness of his home. On various occasions, she contemplates telling him the truth about who she is and what shes done, but something always holds her back. Instead, she distracts herself by continuing to clean his house while keeping him company. Their relationship gradually becomes more and more intimate, finally climaxing to them sleeping together. Feeling closer than ever to Rhoda, John reveals to her what had happened to him, and how much anger he has held with him over the past 4 years. He admits to making sure he never knew the drunk drivers identity in order to avoid a temptation to confront his family's killer.


Meanwhile, it is revealed that Earth 2 may be an exact replica of our Earth. The possibility of another you is proposed, and theories are thrown around. Soon, Rhoda learns that her essay was chosen, and that she has won a seat onto the ship to go to Earth 2. She tells the good news to John, but he asks her to stay admitting that he feels strongly for her and she is the reason he has been content with his life lately. Feeling guilty, she finally reveals to him who she is. Infuriated and hurt, John turns her away and tells her to never come back. Without giving away too much, Rhoda arrives at an epiphany regarding Earth 2 which she hopes could help John, and help her to survive what she has done to him.


Obviously there are some huge critiques in this film that I want to discuss. For example, not once is it mentioned how the hell the second Earth is not at all significantly disrupting the tides of our Earth, which would (in reality) lead to pretty devastating outcomes for our planet. It's also never explained how the planet just appeared in Earth's orbit out of thin air, taking residence right by the moon. But really, if you're expecting an astonishingly accurate Science Fiction film, then don't see this because these things will just piss you off. Having said that, it didn't bother me at all, because the film was centered around Rhoda and John's growing relationship and how the accident connected them and brought them together. Yes, Earth 2 was there but I would say it was just in the background, like a lingering piece of hope and mystery Rhoda held onto in case her attempts at bettering John's life did not pan out.


Another Earth is the exact definition of an independent film: Handheld camera work, long and appropriately placed close-ups, characters longingly staring off into space, lingering pauses, and a tiny cast with simple sets and wardrobes. But honestly, I thought it all worked. The movie was heart-felt, it was a fascinating and original (albeit impossibly improbable) Sci-Fi idea, and the acting was great. John (played by William Mapother) played a really intense and emotional part in a very understated way, which I think is really difficult to pull off. Despite having very little dialogue, I found myself quite tense and uncomfortably mesmerized by the plot and the characters. I admit it is a faulty Sci-Fi foundation for a movie, but if you actually try to get passed that and just take it for what it is, it will not only win you over, but will stay with you long after you stop watching it.


So yea...go watch it!

Todays Tea: Decaffeinated gunpowder green.


Mandy.

Oh....THAT "F" Word

I have always considered myself a feminist, and for the most part I thought most women were. But the idea of feminism has been contorted over and over and over again rendering the concept nothing more but a picture of a frozen, man-hating bitch who just wants to take men down. I think this is a big shame, and it makes me feel disappointed and frustrated when I mention my passion for feminism or when someone asks, and I catch a glimpse of their facial expression right before they change the subject, or ask me why I hate men. lol It is just so ridiculous to me, because I never understood why this is the usual response. But then I took what could have been a great class-unfortunately taught by a notoriously bad Professor-and everything started to make sense...

Taking Women and Gender studies during my first year in University left a bitter taste in my mouth. My only memories of so-called empowered females were those close-minded women who infested the seats of the WGS200 course that I took first year. Those same women who made me rethink my entire idea of feminism within a few short months. My views on feminism before taking the class were based on equality, and a woman's right to choose. But the only themes that seemed to linger within the confines of the class were that of a feminist utopian society where males did not exist. Even more unsettling was the idea put forth that if you hold any traditionally true feminine qualities and liked yourself, you are not a true feminist. 

As I do enjoy playing devil’s advocate when my sanity and values are held at stake, I often challenged authority in the classroom and once (or twice...) in a tutorial session, I was subsequently asked to leave the class until I “cooled down.” One of those times, I really thought I would be castrated by a heard of stampeding angry self-proclaimed feminists. I began to view the feminist persona as an ice-cold ideal held high by women frozen in their stubbornness and sexist thought patterns. In my eyes, these women were simply acting towards men in the same way they claimed men were acting towards women. Things like prostitution, pornography, and being a house wife were talked about with disgust and viewed as being a stab at feminism as a whole, and an overall disgrace to being a strong woman. 

This really confused me, because I had spent all of my life envisioning feminism as a place where women encourage and celebrate other women in whatever venture or avenue they want to pursue. If a woman chooses to be a prostitute, to get an abortion, to be promiscuous, or to be a house wife, what business is it of ANYONE to tell her otherwise? Or even worse, to tell her that what she wants or chooses isn't good enough? It's her body, its her life, its her damn choice! 

At the time, I was a child of Psychology (and still am), so I tried to reason and understand the science of the what these women around me were trying to force down my throat, but in the end, I found in order to achieve good marks and not be targeted in class, I had to assimilate my ideals, beliefs and love of some of the greatest minds of Psychology (i.e. Freud) in order to be accepted. I swore to no longer advertise myself as a feminist because I understood now where those facial expressions came from and why they were commonplace. I never wanted anyone to ever associate me with any of the values and beliefs encompassed within that first year course. 

Never could I imagine that four years later, I would resort to taking WGS205 as a filler course and as a result, have my constructed views and distaste for the “frozen feminist” as I once called her, to be once again broken and rebuilt into something beautiful. Sitting uncomfortably in the front seat of the class, I was shocked upon hearing the Prof. Doctor Radia openly introduce the course with differentiating between mass culture and popular culture, and then encouraging us to envision our own understanding of what the terms mean to us. 

Beginning with our first discussion, I noticed a dramatic change in structure of the course. Of course there were still those who had not changed from first year (those who held the same concrete and hypocritical views), but there were also a lot more women who thought like me. Women who were not looked down upon or burned for sharing their opinions and visions of choice and freedom for women. Compared to the overly organized, constrained, and limited atmosphere of the first year course four years prior, WGS205 opened up possibilities of thought and arguments from every angle, where each was presented with understanding and intrigue. Doctor Radia was charming, warm and non-threatening, quoting thought provoking series, empirically scientific articles (which were rarely raised first year), and to my pleasant surprise, she even quoted Sigmund Freud on a couple of occasions. I became excited to attend class and felt at ease sharing my thoughts and opinions without fear of judgment or retribution. 

I remember the second week in class inspired an analytical spirit in me that peaked its head for the first time as we sat and watched the opening scenes of Pocahontas. Although somewhere within my mind I knew that passed the entertainment and the cute characters, the function of Disney movies were to educate children, I never really sat down and pondered what the films were actually educating. Things that were staring me right in the face never really surfaced until it was brought up and discussed. 

For example, when we began watching Pocahontas, all the sexualized and gendered aspects in the film became salient after discussion. Most shocking was the distinct difference in picture, colour and music when shifting between the grey and dull “western culture” where John Smith and his mates crudely sing about killing natives to the colourful and music-filled scenes of the “New world.” Watching and discussing the themes that varied between John Smith and Pocahontas made me want to go home and revisit my old Disney VHS tapes to try and pick up on the blatant gender differences that I could easily find when I no longer looked at these films through the eyes of a toddler. I was also taken aback by Dundes' (2001) article, which I found furthered points made in class and allowed me to better understand the material, although I did find that Dundes was annoyingly one-sided in some of her arguments. 

However, what was interesting was the point Dundes made in that from childhood, girls are taught to be selfless and constrained in everything that they do while boys’ actions are dismissed under the “boys will be boys” sanction. In fact, in a lot of these films, the boys are praised, or regarded as heroes by doing really reckless shit. She uses the example of how John Smith jumps off the ship during a major storm at the beginning of the film only to be promoted and called a hero by all of his crew mates. The viewers watching feel immediately like 'wow, this guy is so adventurous and fearless.' But not two minutes later, Pocahontas jumps off a cliff into calm water, and her friend asks her when she is going to stop being so immature? Although the viewer finds her quirky and fun at first, her actions are presented in a static way, hinting at the underlying fact that she is still young, immature, and will have to change eventually. In other words, she still has a lot of growing to do....apparently nothing that Mr. Smith's dick can't fix. 

Even more staggering was the statement Dundes made regarding culture’s growing expectations of women in today's supposedly "equal" Western society. She claims that although women are now encouraged and expected to be independent and strong career women, underlying signals to be a good wife, mother and provider are still present, thus creating what I like calling, a double-edged sword. More specifically, it's because mothers now encourage their little girls to take advantage of more and more opportunities in life that adds to women’s ever-increasing pressures to succeed. 

Because on top of being an independent, strong, well-rounded career woman, she is also expected to be a perfect wife and mother. And all before she turns 30!!! When women feel that they cannot succeed in all these avenues adequately (because no human being can!!!), or they hold one avenue (i.e. having a career) with more importance than the other (i.e. being a mother), they believe they have failed. It is a sick, sad, and relentless cycle that is in reality only strengthening over time, but this in itself is hard to see, because all of this is being expertly masked with a veil of "independence" and "Oh look how far we've come" slogans. We still have a hell of a long way to go in my opinion. 

My hope is that women who choose to reproduce, raise their daughters with their best and unique interests at heart. All we can really do, regardless of the child's sex, is to provide guidance, and let him/her make their own choices, regardless of whether or not you (as a parent) agree with their choices in the end. And needless to say, keep your morals, or religious pre-determined expectations completely out of it for fucks sake. To women reading this blog, do what you choose to do: whether that be going into pornography, becoming a C.E.O. having 5 children and settling down, or getting your tubes tied, just do it. It is your body, and it is your life. No one can ever tell you otherwise.                                                                                                                                                                    

Anyway, I am off to bed. I really hope I got my point across at least half-decently.

Todays Tea: Pai Mu Tan White tea.

Beautiful

My friend sent me the link to this video, and I would write a description of it and why it moved me so much, but I think it more than speaks for itself. So, I'll let it.

Todays Tea: Matcha green

Glorified Misery

Forget the mirror of your former self and just relish in the day

forget the beauty of his face and the scars that went away

forget the rudeness in his eyes, the bitter taste of it all

dont even think of all the lies and the unrequited calls

Pay no mind to your mother's absence or your little brother's remains

do not weep over the your war-torn country and all its bloody stains

forget the wave of relentless violence and the echoes of their cries

dismiss the graveyard at your doorstep where all the innocent lie

Don’t linger on the rapists' eyes as he held you against your will

forget the fear that rippled through you as he went in for the kill

erase the sight of your shattered youth as he violated you for good

forget your future wasted years and those who never understood

Forget the beatings you absorbed for admitting you were gay

don’t fret about all the cruelty you endured each single day

get over your parents anger and all the hatred they let out

dismiss the times you ran away because all they did was shout

Try to overlook the darkness while on the streets where you lay

don't think about your broken home and why you couldn’t stay

forget the pain that tears you up inside and the loneliness you felt

pay no mind to the freezing cold or the snow that will not melt

Forget all these vile memories, and thank your god for your puny life

its all a part of his sadistic plan so smile and praise him for your strife
all this misery, pain, and aguish must be leading to some better place

so ask no questions, keep your mouth shut and remember:

God works in mysterious ways?

-Mandy

Todays Tea: Sencha green

Thought as I was, young. Thought as I was.

I think it would be relatively easy to become a parent, and that is a frightening thought. All around the world, unwanted children are being pushed out of mothers' birth canals only to be given up or ultimately fucked over by inconsiderate parenting. And the world population continues to grow like a quickly escalating fungus. There is a shit load of crap in the world that I feel like I should be actively working toward-trying to make it better. Killing babies and so on. Fighting idiots clutching onto bibles and korans, and things of this sort. But my egocentrism is disturbing and the fact that I can admit that is hopefully a sign indicating I am closer than ever to killing it. Preoccupation with relationships, alcohol, and what item of clothing I should have in my closet are really taking away from my goals.


I keep picturing my future and I am almost certain what I want it to consist of but I am unsure of who I want it to consist of. If I have no interest in pro-creating, I often wonder if there is a point to being faithful to one person. I would never cheat (at least again) on someone I care about but, I would tell them if I were thinking about it. Which I often do. And I think this will be my downfall, the reason people will not trust me or get close to me, even though I think inherently I crave it. 


I can't help escape the feeling-the same feeling that I have felt for a long time now. The feeling that good things are happening everywhere else but where I am. It reminds me of one of Douglas Adams many brilliant characters. I think he was in so long and thanks for all the fish. The personal raincloud guy, who didn't know why, but he was absolutely convinced that no matter where he was, rain followed him. He was sure, and he had proof. Everywhere he went, he would tell people that rain follows him, and when they asked him why he thought that, he'd point to the grey pouring skies above him and say, "See?" But the tragedy I think was that the person listening at the time would laugh, take it as a joke and just assume he was exaggerating, as did the last person, and the person before that, and the person before that. All of them unaware of the long string of conversations Mr. Personal Raincloud (lets call him that) has had with a series of different people in very different places, all of which were raining when he was in them. Without the evidence for the validity in Mr. Raincloud's complaints, his story at first arouses humor, but when he sticks to this story, unwavering, this humor quickly turns to annoyance as soon as those he is speaking to associate him with egocentrism. Egocentrism. We have come full circle. But with the right background knowledge, and evidence that he is in fact not bullshitting, I can't help but think that the only response left for someone to have in a conversation with Mr. Raincloud is pity. Or empathy. 


If given the choice, I think he would (as would I) stick with humor. Silently believing your right but not knowing for sure is more comforting. People laugh, and a small part of you assumes that maybe you are not right. Maybe you are exaggerating, you tell yourself but never out loud. Pity. Pity on the other hand would make things all too real. It would seal your fate. I think this is why religious people may be happier than us atheists. They dislike the laughing, the humor that arouses from their beliefs but they would take that any day over pity or otherwise. But nonbelievers, we have the evidence, we have moved passed humor, and know egocentrism cannot exist when you are as insignificant as we know human beings are. Any feelings or desires revolving around our personal happiness or future seem ultimately futile when the destination at the end of our journey is our own bodies shutting off and becoming brain food for worms. And still, believe it or not, I prefer this. I embrace this and I do not fear death. Let them all think the rain clouds are following them while they still can. 


I'm tired.


Todays Tea: Sencha Green with herbs.

Crackle

I really like this line:


"You get so alone at times that is just makes sense."
-charles Bukowski




Todays Tea: Sencha green with thyme and sage leaves

Lovely Jordan and Some Related Rantings

So I am in Jordan, and I am ashamed that I have not uploaded a blog so far during the time that I have been here. So I suppose I should start now. 

I am staying with my wonderfully hospitable relatives while I am here, and I am loving the change in scenery, heat, and culture thus far. Jordan is a really beautiful place that is the most safe area in the middle east as of right now, along with Lebanon. Syria was on this list as well but the current demonstrations and violence have removed it for the time being at least.

But back to Jordan. Since I have been here, I have seen Petra, I have been to the Dead Sea, Aqaba, and Wadi Rum. I loved each place, particularly Wadi Rum (an oasis in the middle of the desert) mainly because of the party atmosphere, amazing sunsets, and starry, starry skies, which made me well up a little, I'll admit. The shopping in Jordan is very affordable, and people are ALWAYS willing to negotiate the price of an item. The difficulty is that if you dont speak Arabic or have someone who speaks Arabic with you, you WILL get stiffed at EVERY purchase you make. They take advantage of any foreign people and up the price of everything. But when merchants see you speak Arabic, they are way more realistic and flexible with prices. Therefore, I would advise any of those interested in visiting the beautiful country to bring someone who can speak the language, translate, and things along these lines. Speaking of the prices, cigarettes are very cheap. Like I am talking 1.35 JD which I think converts to something like $1.90 CAN (but don't quote me on that). Regardless, they are cheap, and for this reason (and the mere fact that I am on vacation, I started smoking again unfortunately. BUT it is only for the trip. I will consider myself smoke free again once I am back on Canadian soil. 

The weather is obviously scorching hot during the daytime, but delightfully cool and perfect at night. I am of course a lover of winter however, so the weather here is not exactly striking my fancy, even though I have gotten a much needed tan since I have been here. All and all, it has been a lovely time spent in the country. Having said that, being here really drove home my life long belief that Religion is a fucking stupid man-made excuse for a way of life, which makes people act in even more fucking stupid ways. First, I want to discuss the Christians who live here (which encompass about 4% of the population). Now this group really couldn't give a shit less about what women wear, ect...But they (as well as the Muslims here) are COMPLETELY obsessed with marriage and having kids. IT IS ALL THEY TALK ABOUT AT GATHERINGS. Which for anyone that knows me, will understand when I say I wanted to blow the back of my head off most times. If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me, "When are you getting married?" or "Are you interested in staying in Jordan to find a husband?" I would have enough money to buy a really nice house here in Amman. I am not exaggerating. I went from answering them using quiet compliance to just blatantly saying, "No" and changing the subject. At one point, a woman came over here to the house I am staying at with her 29 year old son in hopes that I would marry him and take him to Canada with me. I almost spit out my whiskey (which they drink A LOT of here lol). Her son turned out to be really cool (despite being really old fashioned), and told me he was still in love with his ex-girlfriend and wants to get her back. Apparently things "could" not work out because she was Muslim and he was Christian. It sounded like a Romeo and Juliet story as he was describing it to me. I told him just run away together, but I realize now I may have been over-simplifying things slightly.

Speaking of the Muslims here (particularly the men, who are laughable to say the least), I have one thing to say. This is the same thing that i have probably said 347 times since I arrived here: Take A Picture. 

Look, I want to make it clear to women and men alike, in Jordan, unless you are wearing a black bedsheet/garbage bag...oops I mean a burka, expect to be gawked at. And by gawked at I mean GAWKED at, like a hawk is watching you. No matter where you go in Jordan, there is always some one staring hardcore at you, or saying something to you, or in extreme cases budging you or pulling at your clothes as you pass by (which thankfully the latter extreme cases have not happened to me). But for these reasons, everyday before I leave the house, I have to ask my cousin if what I am wearing is okay. In in most cases it is, but I just get a few stares here and there. However, in certain parts of Amman that we go to (such as the downtown area), I was told that it was imperative for my safety to wear jeans and a t-shirt or a tank top with a light jacket to go on top of it. THIS IS IN 40 DEGREE WEATHER!!! And this is what really fucking ticked me off about it all! The Muslim men are out wearing whatever the hell they want, and I have to cover up lest my ankles and shoulders drive them into crazy lust. Like it is a fucking joke! And its not the only thing, just looking at some of these Muslim women made me hot. There are four types of Muslim women here that I have encountered during my time here:

1) The one that will wear the black burka covering her entire body except her eyes.

2) The one that will wear I am assuming to be normal clothes but with a cotton/fabric trench coat over top of her clothes which covers her all the way down to her heels. As well as the hijab.

3) The one that will wear jeans, and a long sleeve top that covers her to her wrists, as well as a hijab.

4) The one that will wear jeans and a long sleeve top but without a hijab (this last category is VERY rare. I may have seen a total of 12 women wear this,and I have been here for 3 weeks so far.)

This wouldn't bother me so much if I didn't encounter a million stares a day from women and men both looking at me like a prostitute because I am wearing skirts, t-shirts or tank tops. Or even more aggravating were those who muttered to themselves regarding my clothes, or said in Arabic "Where is your hijab?" as I walked by. And to this, I was told by my cousins to not say anything. Just ignore it or say "God willing" in Arabic to every comment made. Just grin and bear it so to speak. Well fuck your non-existent God, and fuck you. 

It can all be very frustrating. not to mention being woken up every morning at 4AM because of the insensitive group of Muslims who decided it would be appropriate to blast morning prayer from every mosque, just in case some Muslim forgets or sleeps in. And to pile on the in-sensitivities even more, right now it is during Ramadan so it is "forbidden" to eat, drink, or smoke in the streets, restaurants, or stores during the day (when the sun is out). If you do, a police officer can freely approach you and demand to see your license (which states which Religion you belong to-there are only two choices-the perverted and delusional mess that is Christianity or the laughable and stupid Islam). If the officer sees that you are christian, they usually just apologize and dismiss you, but if they see that you are Muslim, they have the right to take you straight to jail, and keep you as long as they wish.

All in all, I will really hate to leave my cousins and relatives in one weeks time (especially my beautiful, strong, and good-hearted cousin Areen), but I will be relieved to be back in Canada, where I plan to dress provocatively, go to a strip club, get piss drunk until 2AM, and then have a big greasy meal at Dennys. Mmmmmm.

Anyway, I am off to bed. I am trying to race to bed before those goddamn annoying mosque anthems start.

Night.

Today's Tea: Orange Pekoe ...because it is the only tea people drink here :(

Realistic Vampires? Finally!!

Anyone who is completely sick of vampires, the whole vampire redundant story, and the damn bandwagon it rode in on, should watch the movie "Let Me In." Saying that it was brilliant would be a monumental understatement. Ever since I watched "Interview with the vampire" many, many years back, I have been thoroughly obsessed with the idea of vampires and their general allure. 

But I noticed, as I am sure most people will agree, that vampires are completely romanticized in film and literature. The immortal beings are seen as these beautiful, all powerful beings that are sex crazed and occasionally feast on human blood. The whole advent of the "good" vampire feeding on animal blood as opposed to human blood (thanks to the market savvy mind of Stephanie Meyer) has transformed vampires into beings equivalent to disobedient puppies that can be trained. "Let me In" however, brilliantly rips this aforementioned presentation into shreds and then takes a shit on it. I don't want to give anything away but the film leaves the viewer inundated with morbid pity and sadness for the life of the vampire, rather than fascination and desire which are commonplace emotions in relation to the mainstream vampires we are all accustomed to. 

In my humble opinion, it is the most accurate representation of what it would be like if vampires really did exist, and if you happened to know one. With the difficult task of bringing the novel "Let the right one in" by John Lindqvist to life, Matt Reeves is genius as the director of the film. He strikingly breaks all of my prior beliefs and images of the bloodsucker being and has me torn between the best interests of the two main characters while at the same time rooting for both the "good" guy and the "bad" guy simultaneously. 

Despite being fantastically blood filled, graphic (without a HINT of overdone visual effects or Hollywood fakeness), and un-apologetically sincere, the film at its very core, is a love story of the most honest and innocent variety. Developing the relationship between 12 year old mysterious Abby and 12 year old loner and bullied Owen was executed smoothly and was genuinely believable. I think that this is probably the take home message: It was totally believable, despite being a film about a fictional creature. A true masterpiece, and definitely a film you will want in your collection.

In slightly less important news, I am going to Jordan for 3 weeks in July. This is certain. What is uncertain is whether or not I will be able to sneak away to Greece for one of those weeks. It will only be a 2 hour distance, and I am sure I can find a decent hotel. I am staying with family in Jordan so I am happy to report that this trip will most certainly not leave me broke. It will also not leave me hitched, although that really is what my parents are hoping for lol. We will see anyway :)

Now, to bed.

Next blog will be the about the complete self-denial and pathetic imagination characteristic of the mind of the self-proclaimed "born-again christian." Should be a hoot to write.

Mandy

Todays Tea: Jasmine Green

Beyond a story book

Someone may feel as moody as this weather. Golden skies followed by torrential downpours and distastefully coloured skies. To compare this to love would be too easy and boring for that matter. Anyone who says that they've experienced love is just severely deluded in my opinion. I am not speaking of the maternal love or familial love or anything really that entitles you to a once very close proximity relationship with a person, I am referring to the pathetic excuse people call love. The love in which people all of a sudden feel a surge to get married and pop out disgusting little monsters reminiscent of the parents while simultaneously choosing to ignore the fact that there are billions upon billions of homeless children in the world with zero parents and even less food and shelter. 

I speak of this topic a lot because I am always fascinated and horrified by the subject of love. Even people in my life now who tell me they love me, past boyfriends or even friends, its ....Well I can't really muster up the right word to fit in how I feel about it all, but needless to say it doesn't exactly fill me up with pink fluffy clouds and get me excited. Most often, it makes me nauseated and grossed out. Love is just an excuse that people use to fuck consistently and call it a relationship. 

I'm not saying I'm completely devoid of feeling. I mean I have fantasies and shit but in all honesty in my head when I am imagining a scenario with my near perfect male specimen, I am more turned on by the situation and the environment rather than the actual relation between myself and him, or the fact that we "love" each other. And I will stake my life on the fact that this is the exact same way women and men feel when they are fantasizing as well (even if they do not want to admit it to themselves). 

The subject of our attraction can almost be categorized as an accessory to the fantasy itself. And even I think thats a pretty fucked up fact. Love is equivalent to religion. It is simply for people who choose to remain blissfully ignorant of the fact that neither of the two exist. I myself, choose to embrace complete awareness coupled with borderline contentment. And I'm okay with that. I think that people that feel the way I do read a lot in order to escape, in order to have some temporary relief from the aforementioned awareness, as it were. 


In the wake of all of this however, I still do not banish emotions that make me the way that I am. Rather, I am desperate to sculpt them into something useful. Something that I can turn off and on at my will. Things would be easier not just for me, but for everyone around me. I've lost some of my best friends because emotions ran rampant and destroyed our old life together. One in particular, I think I will spend the remainder of my life regretting. People keep telling me I'm a terrible person. Maybe I'm letting it get to me. 

Todays Tea: Jade snow green with lavender flowers.


My itunes shuffle knows me too well.

The Bitter Fruit of Osama's Death

So apparently Osama Bin Laddi' is dead, and I'm half expecting some kind of declaration of a "we killed Osama" day proposal by the White House where all the kiddies will have a day off from school to contemplate how we as a civilization solve our problems: By creating bigger ones.


Although I do understand its obviously necessary to stop terrorists and criminals, there is something about thousands upon thousands of crowds cheering over a corpse that seems very ominous and barbarian to me. And the overtly triumphant attitude by not just the news stations, but even President Obama himself is really surreal to hear and it all seems kind of like I've stepped into a older and more violent era in human history. What the fuck is the point in gloating over it? Thousands and thousands of innocent people were killed (on both American and foreign soil), and billions upon billions upon BILLIONS of dollars were spent over the course of a decade, and all we're going to justify all this with is the rotting corpse of an old and mentally disturbed man? I wouldn't exactly call that a victory.


This may sound negative but what's the point exactly? The people who died aren't going to come back to life. The Jihadist movement is not going to dissipate, if anything, this is simply going to add fuel to an already out of control flame. And despite what you creationists may believe, Osama is not going to "burn for all eternity" or get his precious 72 virgins. He's  just dead. Period. (i.e. no longer existing). Also referred to as the easy way out. Congratulations! You saved him years of dialysis treatment and hiding in fear like a little bitch (which he's been doing quite effectively up until a few weeks ago). 


Americans are still living in paranoid America, and the fearful focus will most likely shift from a (now) dead figurehead to some ambiguous collection of generic Muslims. The troops will stay put, civilians will continue to die and Airport security will make America's paranoia and cowardice painfully more obvious over time, while simultaneously expending a ridiculous amount of effort into national security often at the expense of individual rights and freedoms.


Nothing will change. We've already crossed the line from distrustful to a point where people will always need to continue to die in order to feed our apparent illusion of safety. All this while we at the same time, continue to ignore the bad shit that is being strengthened by our contradictory implementation of "peace" in world. Expect politicians to fall over each other in the next election each claiming that they had the bigger part in blowing bad shit up in order to get good shit done. And this violence will not only be accepted by the overwhelming majority of ignorant yes men and women, but will be ultimately encouraged and expected of politicians even more than it already is. Like a kind of lottery where a politician wins another 4 years in office by executing a known Muslim figurehead.


Annnnnnnnd cue the celebratory crowds.


Peace.


Todays Tea: Citrus Yerbe Mate

Brief Number Two

Also I read this post by one of my favorite bloggers: http://scienceblogs.com/pharyngula/ and I just had to repost it because it gave me a little pick me up:

"A growing body of social science research reveals that atheists, and non-religious people in general, are far from the unsavory beings many assume them to be. On basic questions of morality and human decency — issues such as governmental use of torture, the death penalty, punitive hitting of children, racism, sexism, homophobia, anti-Semitism, environmental degradation or human rights — the irreligious tend to be more ethical than their religious peers, particularly compared with those who describe themselves as very religious.

Consider that at the societal level, murder rates are far lower in secularized nations such as Japan or Sweden than they are in the much more religious United States, which also has a much greater portion of its population in prison. Even within this country, those states with the highest levels of church attendance, such as Louisiana and Mississippi, have significantly higher murder rates than far less religious states such as Vermont and Oregon.

As individuals, atheists tend to score high on measures of intelligence, especially verbal ability and scientific literacy. They tend to raise their children to solve problems rationally, to make up their own minds when it comes to existential questions and to obey the golden rule. They are more likely to practice safe sex than the strongly religious are, and are less likely to be nationalistic or ethnocentric. They value freedom of thought."

So if we're arrogant, it's easy to see why =)

Peace. (and still no tea...)

Brief (my lovely)

If I could just live inside my dreams, I think I would be exponentially happier than I am currently. People need to wake the hell up, and stop allowing some mystical ghost to make their decisions for them. You know what is right and what is wrong. YOU. Go with that, go with your damn morals, not on some bullshit fed to you by a pedophiliac priest and his holier-than-tho ghost. For fucks sake, just read deuteronomy! If thats not proof enough that your god was a sick, sadistic, ass wipe, then I dont know what is.


My back hurts, and I cannot wait to get out of this country for a few weeks, and just forget about everything. Also, all you people constantly complaining about having so much pain and about your constant need to take prescriptions opiates, if you don't want them, send them to me will ya?


Todays Tea: NOTHING yet....

State Pain for future pleasure

This summer is going to be annoyingly busy, and I really am grasping on to some lingering drops of achievement, and the hope that all this fucking work will pay off in the end.


I think education is the most important thing in the world. However you get that education (in school, through research, reading scholarly papers, online courses, ect....) makes no difference to the knowledge you soak up and dispense in the end. The point, albeit a gloomy one, is with no real formal education and no degrees, seemingly intelligent people are nothing more than people who like reading. People who are probably making no money, and usually dependent on others to get by. This is a small portion of the reason why I think education in Universities and Colleges should be free for all those who have the grades to get in, and who wont just fuck around in the process. Theres always the argument that you have to charge a lot for the "good" Universities so that they can hold higher standards than others, but in my opinion, money should not equal prestige. But it does. Tough. That's life. Although it is pretty disgusting when I see dumb ass people in my school, barely studying, and being satisfied with a 53% in a course just because it means they passed. Why? Because they dont have to pay! Their parents pay, and all they do is work as little as they possibly can, and float along. Education should not be a chore. People leave or stop going simply because they learn in a different way, and so do I in all honesty, and thats all well and great, but its not going to get you anywhere. Push yourself for a few of semesters, and you'll have all the rest you can dream of later. As crazy as this may seem, learning and studying get MUCH easier after University, and the really lovely, wonderful, spectacular beauty of learning is attempted on a much more personal level. I've realized something working 6 day weeks for the passed 3 weeks at a shit store with SHIT management, and even shittier idiots working around me: Formal Education is blind. It has no favorites, it has no sympathy, it has no emotions. You either have the marks and references that you need, or you dont. Period. At the dead end job I'm working at currently to make extra money to pay off OSAP however, myself and another employee are working with about 40 other people in setting up this new store. We are only tied to an employment contract for a 3 week period because they cant keep everyone and so they will base how hard we work during these weeks on who will be offered a position after the store opens. Now, I can pretty much stake my life on it that myself and the girl I work with (along with maybe a handful of others) are the only ones in the entire group who ACTUALLY work. There is a group of fuck tards however who (every time I have seem them) are either sitting and talking to each other, OR sitting down and drinking coffee and playing with their cell phones (both things we were not advised to do). Guess what? These fuck tards have already been offered jobs by one of the most vapid, and idiotic managers I have ever witnessed in my life. While myself and the people who do NOT stop working from the beginning to the end of our daily 9 hour shifts have had a grand total of ZERO offers. 


Now in addition to this throughly pissing me off and making me have recurrent urges stab them in their vaginas, it makes me really, REALLY appreciate the fact that I am simply there to work until the application process for grad school begins. Until the years I worked hard and got excellent grades pays off, leading me to a job where I will no longer have to deal with fuck tards who get beneficial treatment for simply being fuck tards, and a job where I am actually making a slight difference by helping people who need help and support, and a job where I will actually have a prestigious position in a work environment where I respect the people I work with, rather than pity them.


If its the last thing you do, work hard, and be the best person you can be. Don't settle. You can make a greater impact on the world this way. Things are not easy to achieve, and they will never be handed to you (unless you know a genie or you marry rich I guess). But myself, I'd rather be independent and intelligent any day.


Peace,


Todays Tea: Citrus Yerba Mate

Dreaming of hypersomnia

Things that I cannot wait to do after I finish finals:

• Take a fucking long ass bath
• Read all the books in my closet collecting dust that I haven't been able to read during school
• Watch my growing list of movies
• SLEEP IN
• Watch the TCM channel for an ENTIRE day with little or no disruptions
• Use all my gift cards I received as gifts for christmas that I've had no time to use
• Sleep (again, because I've been THAT deprived of it)
• Do yoga regularly and not just when I have time

....I have more to look forward to but I have to get back to studying :(

Todays Tea: Green tea with white tips (also called jade snow)

ps. I know more about the science of well-being than you every will. I guarantee you.

Peace

Open the Door

I'm someone else tonight. Someone who is not feverishly going over posted words to ensure they are safe or wise. Have I lost my talent? Had I any talent to begin with? I have all of these goals set up before me and all I literally want to do is read, sleep, and then quietly pass into oblivion. How peaceful. 
But I know there are people who need religion in order to feel at peace with themselves, with the afterlife. I guess a picture of some home in the clouds or 72 virgin wives sounds really nice and all, but it just kind of seems like shutting the door on a scary room. 


Let me explain. 
Its like having a really, really dark room somewhere in your basement-a furnace room maybe that emits this eery hum and contains so many crevices and small spaces that you cringe to go though it during the day, let alone at night. So you make it a point to close the door, and not look inside. You know what's behind the door. People know what is behind the door. You've seen it yourself. Its dark, and convoluted, and complicated, and intimidating. I mean you live alone-you are alone-its understandable. So you close the door. You keep it closed. Because even though you know what's behind the closed door, not seeing it makes you less anxious. Not seeing it allows you to muster up other-less intimidating and less frightening-images. And through this cover up, you feel better, at peace. 


This is the way I understand how religion works for intelligent, educated people. They know it can't be true. They know. They know the evidence, they've seen the records, the contradictions, the vastness of the universe...They know. But everything attached with knowing is way too intimidating. Too frightening to know that people die-there are no souls-there is no afterlife (what an awful waste of all those young boys strapping bombs to their chest and dying in the name of some ghost and his apparently bigot last prophet). Only corpses. It's too depressing-too empty. So what should they do? They close the door. They know what exists, they've seen the proof, but they choose to believe that there is something-anything-else other than this....life. 
Why? 


It's comforting, and I understand that. I myself was once the one pushing that door closed with all my might. But one day, I let it go- I opened it, and at first everything came rushing out like an ambush-I had never felt anxiety so fierce. But then...it was gone. Everything was clear. No superstition. No worry. No rationalization. And my life was still meaningful-I still had all the same goals I had originally-I still loved the same movies, music, the same people. But now I felt free. It was magnificent.


Until next time.
Think heavy.


Todays Tea: Jade snow with mint leaves

Half of life is making people go away

The other half is sleeping, apparently.


I am staying up WAY longer than I need to these days, and waking up disgustingly late. Especially since finals are fast approaching and anxiety ridden anger outbursts are slowly creeping up behind me. I can feel them.


I've realized that although the internet in its vast goodness is vastly good, it has made book reading and other forms of reading paper more and more difficult to do OR less and less likely, depending on how you look at it, and also if you read. And although I am aware people read on the internet, it hurts my damn eyes!!! And I am a lover of the simple life! (In a slightly related topic, I have consistently decided that any one of the vlogbrothers-http://www.youtube.com/user/vlogbrothers-is definitely for sure my soul mate, and I wish to meet them both and bask in the glory of their infinite wisdom and patience for acknowledging and distributing fascinating pieces of information).


But yes, the simple life-ideally one where long walks near quiet rivers and lush green grass with a black lab, and a cool person beside me talking about the wonders and horrors of the human condition, and also the empty yet unending unended-ness of the universe. A life where no one is preaching their shit religion or passing judgement on others because of their sexuality, profession, or personal choices. *sigh* I hope, hope, hope I can live long enough to see the world possibly take this beautiful turn into beauty.


And even though there are others who maybe think the way I do, I always feel indescribably alone and unsure. I think everything will change if I travel to a place like Alaska to finish my novel, that everything will change when I come back. That I'll suddenly stop equating money with a better life, and that I will stop getting upset at my beloved and wonderfully wonderful family members no matter what because they put up with me and all my strangeness for a very long time. My anti-social tendencies after all these years have remained partly due to shitty experiences with dumb ass gross people in the world, but also because I find that I only ever connect and enjoy being around a very small (almost insignificant) number of people. I mean I don't think its such a bad thing, but apparently if I don't go out and get shitfaced and surround myself with people ALL the time, I am not living up to my early 20s persona. I like to drink, but I prefer to drink with maybe one or two people, or while watching an old movie holding a glass of red wine. I don't mind socializing but I prefer not to. And I am totally comfortable with that, which more people may find even more strange. Honestly, delving into douglas adams or losing myself in some sort of wonderful book or film gives me more personal pleasure than a man ever did, or ever could. Trust me. And yet I am completely okay with this.


I was going to say other stuff like things and things about other things, but I'll sleep instead, but first leave you with the trailer to one of my favorite movies of all time, introduced to me by one of my favorite people of all time....Why? Because I can! And also because I recently started thinking about it, and remembered how beautifully wonderful, and great in all its greatness it actually is. If you will do nothing else today, ghosts reading my blog, watch this trailer, and then take a nap.

  What are the finer things in life.


Todays Tea: Sencha and matcha blend


GOODnight, and if you happen to come across my thoughts during a dream, remind them to wake me up early.

Selfless Fools

When we spend our entire lives entrenched in the ideals and opinions of others, we may lose track of what is truly important in life. We go about our days thinking of our diets, our relationships, and our goals. Natural disasters, and death seem millions of miles away-almost as if they are unreal, as if they never happened. We try so hard to desperately figure out the reason for our existence, and follow the rules garnering our lives. So hard that we often forget to actually live. To be able to look out from an open window and watch sunlight coat every surface within view. To take a deep breath, and spill out our thoughts, fears, and beliefs about the world without having to worry about being prosecuted for them.
We've lived so long this way that words like love, peace, patience, and empathy become infested with different meanings. They are no longer universal. You see people holding peace signs, while equipped with weaponry and shooting bullets into the sky. You see women not being able to make their own choices on their own bodies. You see contradictory laws like the legality of pornography, and the prohibition (which never works) of prostitution. People call humans egocentric beings-inherently selfish mammals that only look after themselves by instinct because of years and years of evolutionary changes. But this is a lie. This is a fabrication. Nothing is selfish about who we are. We spend an inordinate amount of time poking our heads and opinions into other people's business. We complain about others who don't believe as we do, who use their bodies differently than we would, who say things we would never say, and do things we would never do. Even further, we condone acts of violence against these people-why? Because they are not like us. We pride ourselves on being accepting, peaceful people, and yet we live our lives always trying to better the supposedly "wrong" things in other people, and at the same time, not allowing for equal right of all in the very country that we live in. What contradictory lines we cross. Life would be a lot better if we were more selfish. If we let others be, and we carried on each with a loving, peaceful nature, a determined will to achieve our goals-whether it be money, family, faith, leisure, or love. We live. We need to start to live.


Peace


Today's Tea: Honey Lemon