I speak of this topic a lot because I am always fascinated and horrified by the subject of love. Even people in my life now who tell me they love me, past boyfriends or even friends, its ....Well I can't really muster up the right word to fit in how I feel about it all, but needless to say it doesn't exactly fill me up with pink fluffy clouds and get me excited. Most often, it makes me nauseated and grossed out. Love is just an excuse that people use to fuck consistently and call it a relationship.
I'm not saying I'm completely devoid of feeling. I mean I have fantasies and shit but in all honesty in my head when I am imagining a scenario with my near perfect male specimen, I am more turned on by the situation and the environment rather than the actual relation between myself and him, or the fact that we "love" each other. And I will stake my life on the fact that this is the exact same way women and men feel when they are fantasizing as well (even if they do not want to admit it to themselves).
The subject of our attraction can almost be categorized as an accessory to the fantasy itself. And even I think thats a pretty fucked up fact. Love is equivalent to religion. It is simply for people who choose to remain blissfully ignorant of the fact that neither of the two exist. I myself, choose to embrace complete awareness coupled with borderline contentment. And I'm okay with that. I think that people that feel the way I do read a lot in order to escape, in order to have some temporary relief from the aforementioned awareness, as it were.
In the wake of all of this however, I still do not banish emotions that make me the way that I am. Rather, I am desperate to sculpt them into something useful. Something that I can turn off and on at my will. Things would be easier not just for me, but for everyone around me. I've lost some of my best friends because emotions ran rampant and destroyed our old life together. One in particular, I think I will spend the remainder of my life regretting. People keep telling me I'm a terrible person. Maybe I'm letting it get to me.
In the wake of all of this however, I still do not banish emotions that make me the way that I am. Rather, I am desperate to sculpt them into something useful. Something that I can turn off and on at my will. Things would be easier not just for me, but for everyone around me. I've lost some of my best friends because emotions ran rampant and destroyed our old life together. One in particular, I think I will spend the remainder of my life regretting. People keep telling me I'm a terrible person. Maybe I'm letting it get to me.
Todays Tea: Jade snow green with lavender flowers.
My itunes shuffle knows me too well.
My itunes shuffle knows me too well.
How's the weather there in the Land of Denial?
ReplyDeleteNot as nice im sure, as the weather in the land of fallacy where you are :)
ReplyDeleteI think you're confusing love with attachment. You have a negative reaction to that word, but it has many meanings. Romantic "Love" is just chemicals in the brain. It doesn't mean anything, it's not something to take personally if someone says they love you. People just get addicted to those love chemicals, and when you're in the heat of addiction, you can't think clearly or see the bigger picture.
ReplyDeleteI think your problem is that you're afraid because you've never had a good relationship. You don't know how to trust as you've always been hurt. You've only seen the dark side of things. You're a damaged individual, and instead of regulating your emotions you just try to turn them off, and all that's doing is keeping yourself victimized. You're REacting rather than just acting, and that's not escaping the cycle of victimhood.
Throwing out the baby with the bathwater isn't going to lead to happiness.
I'm not confusing love with attachment, and if you had read the beginning of this blog carefully, you'd have caught that. And I know I've said this before but sometimes talking to you is like talking to the wall, so I'll say it again: I'm aware that whatever passes as "love" is simply the wonderful ballet of neurochemistry erupting within our CNS, but that doesn't make it any less real. If we could selectively control our emotions, that rebuttal would carry greater weight. Which brings me to my next point that (again) you mis-read. I am incapable of "turning off"my emotions. If I could, I would never blog or write about love or the area of relationships because I would be indifferent to them. I wouldn't care. It's the fact that I experience my emotions FULLY and still feel the way I do that reiterates my original thoughts and stance on the subject.
ReplyDeleteAlso....On the whole, I've had nothing BUT good relationships so I don't know exactly what you're referring to. All this really should not come as a surprise to you, I've thought this way exactly or different variations of this way basically since we first met, and I've never faltered in this line of thought. I think it's finally time to accept it instead of always fighting me on it or trying to psychoanalyze something that isn't broken, but rather, is just there.
Blah, blah, blah... You're full of horse shit and wouldn't know a genuine human emotion if it came up and bit you on the face. I tire of you.
ReplyDeleteSo its the fighting with me on it then...
ReplyDeleteNice to see that you've grown as a person about zero percent since we met. Thanks for solidifying my point mate =)